She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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