I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
