so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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