I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
