I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
What drink are we having for lunch?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
