Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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