I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
