Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
