Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
