I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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