I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
