I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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