my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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