I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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