peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
