I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
