I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
