Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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