Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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