I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
