It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
