Hey man sorry I got all grabby
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
