i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
