I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
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We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
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The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I think I just sharted jello shots
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