Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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