just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
