I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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