apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
