there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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