Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
