so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
