The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
