im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
