Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
