Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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