I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
