My room smells like vodka and shame
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Life is so much better after having sex.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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