The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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