I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
A+ Viking dick
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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