So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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