My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
