3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.