I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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