I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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