matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
