life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
