Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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