New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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