Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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