You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
