i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
