I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
