you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
