im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
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I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
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He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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