Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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