I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
