I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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