I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
