Have you finally orgasmed yet?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
