If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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