I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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