She is in my trunk
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
