Im at strip club and am horny
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
