a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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