Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
