Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
