I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
