Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You ate ashes out of my bong
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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